Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror until the person you see slowly begins to look like a stranger? Until the angles and down-curves and up-curves no longer look familiar to you in the arrangement that you see? As if you’ve never seen the person before in your life and you wonder where the hell they came from, and why the hell are they staring at you with such accusing, piteous, tired eyes as if you are to blame for why they look so shattered. So haggard. So utterly…
…Nobody ever wants to talk about themselves. And why should they? Most people don’t even want to think about themselves. Not truly. They think about what they want. They think about what they’ve done. They think about how to get what they want and the people they want. They want to think about the people they know and the places they’ve been.
Yet they don’t want to look at themselves in the mirror. They spend all day thinking about themselves—or believing they’re thinking about themselves, and then by the end of the day, after spending all bloody day contemplating what they think they know about themselves, when you’d think they would be quite familiar with their identity, they can’t even bear to look in a mirror longer than absolutely necessary. It’s because they think their face is too drawn or too pock-marked, or that they’re funny-looking, or that their stomach is too fat and their arms are too flabby, or that their ass isn’t as flattering as they’d like it to be, or because they slouch when they wished they didn’t, or because they just plain look like an idiot and who can bear to look at an idiot?
How can you spend all your time thinking about something and then not bear to bring your eyes upon it longer than necessary? Does the same principle apply to staring yourself in the face as it does to staring at others? Is there some kind of innate sense within people that tells them it’s rude to stare, even when you’re staring at yourself? Is that why you get uncomfortable? Are you afraid of being called vain? Vanity isn’t a sin, they just say it is as another excuse not to have to look at yourself.
Yet they don’t want to look at themselves in the mirror. They spend all day thinking about themselves—or believing they’re thinking about themselves, and then by the end of the day, after spending all bloody day contemplating what they think they know about themselves, when you’d think they would be quite familiar with their identity, they can’t even bear to look in a mirror longer than absolutely necessary. It’s because they think their face is too drawn or too pock-marked, or that they’re funny-looking, or that their stomach is too fat and their arms are too flabby, or that their ass isn’t as flattering as they’d like it to be, or because they slouch when they wished they didn’t, or because they just plain look like an idiot and who can bear to look at an idiot?
How can you spend all your time thinking about something and then not bear to bring your eyes upon it longer than necessary? Does the same principle apply to staring yourself in the face as it does to staring at others? Is there some kind of innate sense within people that tells them it’s rude to stare, even when you’re staring at yourself? Is that why you get uncomfortable? Are you afraid of being called vain? Vanity isn’t a sin, they just say it is as another excuse not to have to look at yourself.
Or are you afraid of the person in the mirror becoming a stranger? Are you afraid that after a time, the things you’ve thought about over the course of the day will matter so little that there is not a lot left to think about except why? Why have you done the things you’ve done? Why do you want the things you want? Why are you here, and not there? Why do you look this way? Why do you behave this way? Why do you speak this way? And why can you now no longer recognize the person staring you in the face? Why?
But you don’t want to think about the why, do you? You don’t dare tread into water too deep and too dark, lest you not be able to come back out.
Can you do it? Can you stare at your face, let alone your entire body, until you can’t stand it? What will you begin to see after a while? What about your appearance and what you see beyond that will slowly drive you to look away?
But then again, why torture yourself?
*HAHA, gasak ah korang baca aku membebel. tapi ini apa yg aku rasa currently and to be or not to be, ini memang kenyataan.
But you don’t want to think about the why, do you? You don’t dare tread into water too deep and too dark, lest you not be able to come back out.
Can you do it? Can you stare at your face, let alone your entire body, until you can’t stand it? What will you begin to see after a while? What about your appearance and what you see beyond that will slowly drive you to look away?
But then again, why torture yourself?
*HAHA, gasak ah korang baca aku membebel. tapi ini apa yg aku rasa currently and to be or not to be, ini memang kenyataan.
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